Freitag, 4. Oktober 2019
Disappointed (Part II)
I love my mother, because I feel she trys to be a good person. I do not no for whome she tries to be, but she just does.

But I feel and remember beeing disappointed by her over and over again. Every time I try to verbalize my disappointment towards her, she maximzes her efforts in me. My mother can be so much fun and soo lovely, lovely as hell, lovely like a spell.
But she is so deeply manipulative, that I don't even believe, she knows how harmfull she can be. Sometimes she imagines and manifests this imagination of her own world so deeply, she refuses to let the truth of the real world be true.

I told her in all my despairity, after we found out my father died, in privat company of my brothers, that all I really needed from her now was a hug. She refused to give me this little tiny gesture and later even pretended she couldn't remember this request.
But she is willing to do 40 days of prayer to satisfy the image of herself, her face, in front of her community.
She refused to hand me out papers without antics, as we tried to make our fathers funeral work. Does she really envy me, her own only daughter? Because I lead my totally lost brothers through a process only we three heirs can go through alone?? She has legally no saying in it and she knows it.
She refused to let me tell her how disappointed I am about her behavior at the last Sinulog festival we served. She pulled all strings to cut me off by choosing a public space, by beeing late, adding close family friends, I define as aunties, by lifting the mood and distracting me with food.

To realize and write this down is deeply painful for me. To realize it is shameful to me, to admit she played me all my life. But at this point in my grief, I feel I have to tell myself my truth. It is time.

16.8.19 5:53

I feel used on so many levels, I can't stand the anger inside. And this haunting questions: Has she been using me all along? Does she understand love at all? Is love only giving and taking and manipulating to her?

Bild: Ramdlon /

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